Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
