someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
