Can i not drive my cunt home
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
