I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize