I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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