Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize