Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
