sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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