I'm drive I can fine osifer
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize