When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
