thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
someone get that fucking seahorse.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
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