The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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