when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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