i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
