i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
He better not be in your backpack
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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