im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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