I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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