I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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