I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
