My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
