you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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