exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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