Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Randomize
