Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
