Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
