saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
