i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
