my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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