okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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