i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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