dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
