the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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