I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Alive.
So much puke
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
