I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
