Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
