I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
