The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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