We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
