I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
