Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize