I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
