I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just had sex on a roof
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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