She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
