i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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