woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
