If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
