She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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