It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
