I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Randomize
