I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just sucked dick on a ferry
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
