Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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