god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize