I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
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