I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
