rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
