the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
And then my night got REAL pukey
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize