If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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