My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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