He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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