I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
