those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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