ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
