I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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